1 door closes… how many others should I leave open?

After some soul searching following last week’s bad news I’ve decided I’m not going to try to get pregnant. It’s with a heavy heart that I have taken the decision that I don’t think I can put myself into the position where I could knowingly face the disappointment of constant failures of IUI cycles, the anxiety of a very high risk pregnancy, or the trauma of losses  (esp if these were “late”).

These things could happen to anyone (and I know they have happened for many of you in this group), but I feel like it’s one thing having to cope with an unexpected tragedy and another to deliberately put yourself into that situation. Psychologically I don’t think I’d cope well.

I’d also be worried about the baby being ill due to placental insufficiency in utero (which can lead to low birth weight, premature birth, and birth defects), and I think it’s not fair* to put the potential baby at risk.
[*Disclaimer: this is my personal feeling in my situation, I’m not judging anyone else’s choices or opinions]

That said, I haven’t totally given up on the idea of motherhood in the future – either via surrogacy or adoption.

My doctor has said that, as far as having a biological child goes, gestational surrogacy is the safest option and the most likely to work. So if I am interested in that option he has recommended freezing some eggs now for use with a partner in future  (I could only use them on my own if the law changes to allow single parents access to surrogacy)… considering the need to go through “IVF” and cost of freezing the eggs, then the cost of surrogacy in future I’m not sure if this is something I should do. It’s taking a gamble that:
1) I’m going to meet someone and get into a long term relationship VERY soon (i.e. this year), and
2) that we’d be able to afford surrogacy.

I  know I don’t want to have a baby after 37/38* (I’m 34 this year) and I’d have to have been with someone 2 years minimum to be able to get a parental order.
[*Again personal choice, no judgement- but desire to have a baby soon was a big part of my decision to go down the Single Mum By Choice route]

So all that taken into consideration I’m wondering if it’s worth it.

Is freezing eggs a very expensive way of leaving a door open based on “false hope” of an unlikely outcome? Would it be better to accept that I’m not going to have a BIOLOGICAL child, grieve, and move on with peace of mind?

Thoughts?…

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11 thoughts on “1 door closes… how many others should I leave open?

  1. The only person who can make the decision of how to proceed is you. I will say that your mind may change in the future and living with regret is no fun. If you can afford to have eggs freezed it provides an option later in life. You could meet someone tomorrow or two years from now, no one knows. But having options provides some stress relief.

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    1. True.

      I’m just so conflicted. I’m worried that it could just be a whole lot of unpleasantness (the whole IVF process doesn’t sound pleasant… injections, side effects, weight gain) that turns out to be a big waste of a lot of money.

      I doubt I’d want a baby at 39/40+ because I don’t think I’d have the energy, and I wouldn’t want to potentially have a dependent child (at university) when I’m in my 60s and hoping to retire. If I meet someone when I’m in my late-30s (or can’t afford surrogacy even if I’m still in my mid-30s) I would go for adoption and adopt an older child, not a baby.

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  2. Follow your heart! Your decision may evolve in the future but as long as you’re doing what you believe is right for you that’s right.

    As for us, I never thought I’d be interested in starting a family at 40 but after a failed marriage earlier I ended up meeting my amazing husband in my late 30s and we started on the family-making journey within the year we got hitched. Never imagined how we’d try getting to it either yet here we are doing IVF simultaneously with international adoption 🙂

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  3. Wannabe – I’m so sorry that things haven’t worked out the way you wanted them to. It is just not fair.

    All I will say is this is still all very new and it’s fairly early days for you exploring other options, so try not to put any pressure on yourself that you have to decide now. You’re still relatively young and you just don’t know what is round the corner or how you will feel over the coming months and years.

    I’m afraid I don’t know a huge amount about adoption and I don’t really know anything about surrogacy, but there are lots of lovely ladies on these blogs/websites who do know a lot! I’m sure they would be happy to answer questions or let you bounce ideas off them. Don’t feel like all doors have been shut on your chances of having a family x x x

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  4. I’m really sorry that you are facing so many obstacles. It’s so hard to know what is the best way to proceed. But maybe freezing your eggs might be a good idea in case you were to meet someone in the next few years. Yes the ivf process is tough, but personally I found it hardest emotionally than physically. The injections are crap yes but you do get the hang of them. Hope this isn’t an annoying question but are you trying internet dating by the way? I know loads of people who met their partners online.

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