So, I got all fired up a while ago about coming back to blogging as I got together with my partner (now husband!) and we embarked on a mission to pursue having a child via IVF.
Once we actually got into the process I didn’t find the time or mental energy for blogging consistently.
We did the ERA test and if showed that my uterus does go into the receptive state, so we moved ahead with IVF and we managed to get 5 blastocyst (5 day old) embryos frozen. 4 embryo transfers later we are still childless.
I’m back! It’s been a very long time since I posted and so much has changed.
3 years ago I started this blog fearing that I wasn’t going to get to be a mama because my periods seemed to be disappearing. I knew how much I wanted a child and so I decided to go the Single Mum By Choice route. I then found out I have a defective uterus and didn’t go ahead with those plans. I tried to accept that I would probably never have kids.
As 2018 draws close to the end, I am in totally new circumstances “life-wise”. I left the UK for Spain (no kids, no ties – right?), and I ended up meeting someone who has made be hopeful that all I had given up on could be possible. The long and short of it is that me and my partner (I’ll think of a nickname for him later) have decided that, even though it might be a long and somewhat difficult journey, we are going to try and become parents.
So.. I’m still a wannabe mama and as of last month we officially start trying to conceive (TTC). So this blog is being re-kindled and, while it will still be a TTC blog, it’s not going to be a SMBC blog anymore.
Let’s see where this journey takes me now!!
After some soul searching following last week’s bad news I’ve decided I’m not going to try to get pregnant. It’s with a heavy heart that I have taken the decision that I don’t think I can put myself into the position where I could knowingly face the disappointment of constant failures of IUI cycles, the anxiety of a very high risk pregnancy, or the trauma of losses (esp if these were “late”).
These things could happen to anyone (and I know they have happened for many of you in this group), but I feel like it’s one thing having to cope with an unexpected tragedy and another to deliberately put yourself into that situation. Psychologically I don’t think I’d cope well.
So, I’ve hinted/skimmed over this before but I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Specifically Bipolar II which is characterised by mainly experiencing periods of depression, and a “milder” form of elevated mood called hypomania – not the full on mania people usually associated with Bipolar.
I’ve been stable for quite a few years now, but Bipolar is a “serious mental illness” (and comes under the psychosis category although I don’t consider myself “psychotic”!!), so it’s something that needs to be considered and managed through out the pre-conception period, pregnancy, and post-partum…
Last week I had my NHS ultrasound (still no signs of ovulation) and then went to see my GP to discuss the results of the consultation at the private fertility clinic. In the 5 days between the fertility clinic consultation and seeing my GP I’d been doing some serious thinking about whether this really is the time to go ahead with “Operation Baby”.
I’d always said that I wanted to TTC before I got to an age where I’d be likely to need medical intervention, whether that be conceiving with a partner or through donor insemination, hence I’d had age 35 in mind as the “cut off”. Having just turned 33 I’d been thinking I’d probably try to get a deposit together to buy a house/flat next year, spend a few months settling in, and then TTC just before or just after 35. I’d never imagined that medical intervention, actual fertility treatment, would be required at age 33. But here I am faced with that exact situation.